PHINEUS: THE RETURN OF JOE MAGARAC Part 4: I Like Ike Bob DelBane
NEW CHARACTERS
1) LUPEK DOUGLAS AND LASTY THE WILDCAT: Corp’s company created Lupek as a fakelore character with the intention of replacing Joe Magarac in the hearts and minds of Pennsylvanians. As Magarac is a folk hero of the steel industry, Corp intends Lupek to be a folk hero for the region’s once and hopefully future energy boom. (This is not unprecedented. See Chesapeake Charlie.)
In order to suggest he is not a brand new character, he is dressed as a nineteenth century oil field worker would, as if he were walking down a street in Titusville in the 1860s. (In my mind, he looks and sounds like Daniel Day Lewis in There Will Be Blood.)
Lupek ilasty is Polish for shale, a common target of fracking. Douglas is Scottish/Gaelic for dark, black, or gray stream. Wildcat can mean an exploratory oil well or the act of drilling an exploratory oil well.
2) BABE THE OX: Babe is Paul Bunyan’s big blue pet ox.
3) RANDOM MIDDLEMEN: Continuing the tradition of Corp’s loyal Middlemen whose names mean first, second, or third in a foreign language, one in this story is named Zweiter.
NEW SETTING
1) Amphitheater at Point State Park
PAGE 1
Panel 1
This panel runs the width of the page. Interior of the backstage of the Point State Park Amphitheater. Corp and an unknown character are in shadow. Ike and Bunyan are in the light.
CORP: Your progress is disappointing, Mr. Ferguson. As Mr. Bunyan can attest, Joe Magarac is still very much alive.
Panel 2
This panel runs the width of the page. Same as panel 1.
IKE: I apologize, Mr. Corp. All over Pittsburgh, I’ve made people forget him. He must still be remembered by people outside the city.
BUNYAN: Magarac’s fading, Mr. Corp. I could tell when we fought that he’s not as strong as he used to be.
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Panel 3
This panel runs the width of the page. Same as panel 1.
CORP: It had better be enough. Nothing must interfere with our presentation. Mr. Bunyan will introduce a new folklore hero this city can be proud of.
CORP: Our research shows he is the perfect character to replace Magarac as the beloved, blue-collar mascot of the people, but only if Magarac is sufficiently forgotten.
PAGE 2
Panel 1
Close-up of Ike as he peers into the darkness.
IKE: Who is the new character?
CORP (off-panel): You will find out along with everyone else.
Panel 2
Medium shot of Ike over Corp’s shoulder.
CORP: In the meantime, go the corners of the city you have thus far neglected.
CORP: Run along, Mr. Ferguson. Time is of the essence.
Panel 3
This panel runs the width of the stage. Exterior of the northern shore of Point State Park, near the back entrance of the amphitheater. Long shot of Phineus, Sara, and Joe who are hidden, watching the amphitheater. Pete and Tony are with them, but are using binoculars to look north across the river.
JOE: Do you see anything?
PHINEUS: Just a bunch of gray flannel. The Middlemen have the place surrounded.
Panel 4
Medium shot of Phineus and Joe.
PHINEUS: Corp’s got to be in there, prepping for today’s big reveal, whatever it is.
JOE: You couldn’t find the little guy?
PHINEUS: No. We looked everywhere we could think of. Even his mother hasn’t seen him, so she says.
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Panel 5
Same as panel 4.
PHINEUS: He could be anywhere in the city trying to get people to forget you.
PHINEUS: About that, how are you feeling?
JOE: Tired. Weak. But I ain’t licked yet.
PAGE 3
Panel 1
Medium shot of Phineus and Joe. Phineus continues to watch the amphitheater. Joe turns to face Pete and Tony. He notices they are not paying attention.
JOE: Hey, what are you guys lookin’ at? The fun’s over here.
Panel 2
Medium shot of Pete, Tony, and Joe.
PETE: We’re trying to see the scoreboard at the ballpark.
TONY: Tabata just came to the plate.
Joe facepalms.
Panel 3
Same as panel 1.
PHINEUS: Oho, what do we have here?
JOE: Something interesting?
Panel 4
Long shot of Ike leaving the amphitheater and heading east toward downtown.
PHINEUS (off-panel): Ike was in there all along.
Panel 5
Medium shot of Joe, Phineus, and Sara.
JOE: Let’s grab him. I’m gonna pound that runt before I disappear entirely.
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SARA: “…I feel a sort of rough justice in his claim.”*
CAPTION: *All of Sara’s lines are from the play PYGMALION as Ike forced her to forget how to say anything else.
Panel 6
Long shot of Phineus, Sara, Joe, Pete, and Tony.
PHINEUS: Sara and I will deal with him. You guys get back to your booths. And if the curtain opens, stall.
PAGE 4
Panel 1
Exterior of a downtown city street. Long shot of Ike as he walks down the street. He looks dejected.
Panel 2
Medium shot from behind Ike. His street has ended, and he now must decide to go right or left.
Panel 3
Close-up of Ike as he looks to the left.
Panel 4
Close-up of Ike as he looks to the right.
Panel 5
This panel runs the width of the page.
Medium shot of Ike as he ponders which way to go. He is oblivious to Phineus and Sara behind him. They are preparing to pounce on Ike. They are wearing bulky hearing protection. Phineus has a handkerchief, which he will use to gag Ike. Sara has handcuffs.
PAGE 5
Panel 1
This panel runs the width of the page. Exterior of Folklore Fest at Point Park. Long shot of Joe, Tony, and Pete are at their booths, signing autographs and shaking hands. Fewer people are at Joe’s booth.
Panel 2
Medium shot of Joe trying to bend the little steel beams into animals for some children at his booth. It’s more difficult for him than it was before.
Panel 3
Same as panel 2. He hands a steel beam to one of the children. Its shape is unrecognizable.
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JOE: Sorry. Maybe if yinz come back later.
Panel 4
Long shot over Joe’s shoulder of Middlemen standing guard in front of the amphitheater stage.
Panel 5
Close-up of Joe as he looks at his watch and wonders where Phineus and Sara are.
JOE: Any time now, guys.
PAGE 6
Panel 1
Interior of Phineus’s office. The room is dark. Medium shot of Ike as he sits at a desk. He is gagged and is wearing handcuffs, which are affixed to the desk. He is staring straight ahead.
Panel 2
Medium shot from Ike’s point of view of Phineus and Sara sitting directly opposite Ike at the desk. They are wearing bulky hearing protection. They are staring at Ike with their arms folded.
Panel 3
This panel runs the width of the page. Long shot of Phineus and Sara on the left as they look across the desk at Ike on the right.
PHINEUS: We apologize if we hurt you, Mr. Ferguson. We wanted to bring you somewhere we could talk.
PHINEUS: We also apologize for covering your mouth, but it’s unfortunately unnecessary.
Panel 4
This panel runs the width of the page. Same as panel 3.
PHINEUS: You see, we looked into your counseling business. You helped a great many people. But someone you didn’t, or couldn’t, help was a deaf woman.
PHINEUS: We took a chance and guessed your ability only works if a person can hear you. Isn’t that right?
PAGE 7
Panel 1
Close-up of Ike as he looks at Phineus.
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Panel 2
Same as panel 1. Ike looks at Sara.
Panel 3
Same as panel 1. Ike closes his eyes and nods his head.
Panel 4
Medium shot of Phineus and Sara.
PHINEUS: We also guessed the reason the Middlemen took your father’s memory box is because it is the receptacle for all the memories you erase.
PHINEUS: You keep them safe in there in case your clients want them back. Are we two for two?
Panel 5
Same as panel 1. Ike nods again.
Panel 6
Medium shot of Sara and Ike. Sara puts the memory box on the desk in front of Ike. His eyes widen.
PAGE 8
Panel 1
Close-up of Ike as he stares at the memory box.
PHINEUS (off-panel): We know you’re helping Corp because his Middlemen threatened you and your family.
Panel 2
Medium shot of Phineus and Sara.
PHINEUS: Your mother’s worried about you.
SARA: “She’s been very low, thinking of the happy days that are no more.”
Panel 3
This panel runs the width of the page.
Medium shot of Phineus, Sara, and Ike. The memory box is between them on the desk.
PHINEUS: We can help you deal with Corp, but we need your help first.
PHINEUS: Your city needs you. Help us put things right by restoring everyone’s memories and saving Joe Magarac.
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Panel 4
Medium shot of Phineus and Sara.
SARA: “Either you’re an honest man or a rogue.”
Phineus looks at Sara and sighs.
Panel 5
Same as panel 4.
PHINEUS: If you decide to help us, I’d appreciate it if you’d restore our memories first.
PAGE 9
Panel 1
Close-up of Ike looking down at the memory box.
PHINEUS (off-panel): We don’t think you’re a bad man.
PHINEUS (off-panel): So what’s it going to be?
Panel 2
Same as panel 1. Ike looks up at them.
Panel 3
This panel runs the width of the page. Exterior of Folklore Fest. Medium shot of Joe, Pete, and Tony.
JOE: Phineus and Sara ain’t back yet. If this thing kicks off, we gotta stall. You guys with me?
PETE: Sure, Joe.
TONY: Still don’t know what this is all about, but yeah, we’re with you.
Panel 4
This panel runs the width of the page. Long shot of the amphitheater stage over Joe’s shoulder. On the stage, the curtain opens.
LOUDSPEAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the festival stage, Folklore Fest, in conjunction with Evergreen Industries, presents the legendary lumberjack himself, Paul Bunyan!
JOE: Here we go.
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PAGE 10
Panel 1
This panel runs the width of the stage. Long shot of Bunyan walking to center stage. The crowd cheers.
BUNYAN: Hello, everyone. I want to thank Evergreen Industries for enabling me to be with you today. I’m here to help them with a very special announ—
Panel 2
This panel covers the lower two-thirds of the page. Joe rushes Bunyan, hitting him in the back with a shoulder block that sends him flying.
JOE: Aw, no you don’t. We ain’t finished our dance yet.
PAGE 11
Panel 1
Close-up of Bunyan, lying down looking up at Joe.
BUNYAN: Magarac. You really want me to embarrass you in front of your city? You want that image to be the last one anyone has of you?
Panel 2
Medium shot of Joe as he picks up a microphone stand.
JOE: Big talk. Let’s see how well you run your mouth with while chewing on a mic stand.
Panel 3
This panel covers the lower two-thirds of the page. Joe, with the mic stand raised to strike Bunyan, is suddenly gored from behind by Babe the Ox.
PAGE 12
Panel 1
Close-up of Joe where he landed, on the ground in front of the stage, near the spectators. He is barely conscious.
JOE: Stupid ox.
Panel 2
Medium shot of Babe on the stage looking down at Joe. He is readying for another strike.
Panel 3
Same as panel 2. Pete and Tony jump on Babe.
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Panel 4
Medium shot of Bunyan yelling after Pete and Tony.
BUNYAN: What are you doing? We’re family! Bring back my ox or I’ll murder you!
Panel 5
Long shot over Bunyan’s shoulder of Pete and Tony riding Babe off through the crowd.
TONY: Thanks for the sour persimmons, cousin!
Panel 6
Medium shot of Bunyan and Middleman Zweiter.
ZWEITER: Forget your pet for now, Mr. Bunyan. You have a job to do for Mr. Corp.
PAGE 13
Panel 1
Medium shot of Bunyan as he regains his composure. Zweiter stands behind him.
BUNYAN: Fine.
Panel 2
Same as panel 1. Bunyan looks at Joe who’s still lying on the ground in front of the stage.
BUNYAN: Any more outta you?
Panel 3
Close-up of Joe as he struggles to get up.
Panel 4
Same as panel 3. Joe collapses again.
Panel 5
Same as panel 1. Bunyan addresses the crowd.
BUNYAN: All right, then.
BUNYAN: As I was saying, it is a privilege to be here today to introduce a brand new folk hero to the world. In honor of Western Pennsylvania’s unique place in the history of the petroleum industry, I present to you—
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Panel 6
Medium shot of Bunyan as Ike, Phineus, and Sara calmly walk across the stage in front of Bunyan. Ike tips his hat in greeting. Zweiter stands behind Bunyan, looking bewildered.
IKE: Mr. Bunyan.
BUNYAN: Mr. Ferguson.
PAGE 14
Panel 1
Medium shot of Sara standing near the side of the stage as Phineus and Ike go backstage.
BUNYAN (off-panel): Now, as I was saying, I present to you…um…
Panel 2
Medium shot of Bunyan and Zweiter. Zweiter prompts Bunyan.
ZWEITER (whisper): Lupek Douglas and Lasty the Wildcat.
BUNYAN: Who?
Panel 3
Same as panel 2.
ZWEITER (whisper): Lupek Douglas…
BUNYAN (to the audience): Lupek Douglas…
Panel 4
Same as panel 2
ZWEITER (whisper): …and Lasty the Wildcat.
BUNYAN (to the audience): …and Lasty the Wildcat!
Panel 5
Same as panel 2. Bunyan turns to speak directly to Zweiter.
BUNYAN: What kind of name is that? That can’t be why I’m here.
Panel 6
Medium shot of Bunyan, Sara, and Zweiter. Sara shoves Zweiter to the side and speaks to Bunyan.
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SARA: I think you’re here in Pittsburgh to visit your good friend Joe Magarac.
PAGE 15
Panel 1
Medium shot of Sara and Bunyan. Sara gestures to where Joe landed earlier. Bunyan scratches his head.
BUNYAN: Huh? Right. Joe.
Panel 2
Long shot of Bunyan on the stage looking at Joe on the ground.
BUNYAN: Hey, Joe. What are you doing down there? You okay?
Panel 3
Medium shot of Bunyan jumping off the stage.
Panel 4
Long shot of Bunyan helping Joe to his feet. The crowd erupts in applause at the sight of Magarac and Bunyan side by side.
PAGE 16
Panel 1
Interior of the Amphitheater’s backstage. Medium shot of Ike and Phineus over Corp’s shoulder. Corp is angry that the introduction has been botched. Corp is, as ever, in shadow.
CORP: What is going on? I told you to deal with this, Mr. Ferguson.
Panel 2
Medium shot of Phineus over Corp’s shoulder. Corp points at Phineus.
CORP: And what is he doing here?
Panel 3
Medium shot of Ike over Corp’s shoulder.
IKE: It’s all right, Mr. Corp. Mr. Beam is here to help. Mr. Douglas can proceed with his demonstration.
CORP: Fine.
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Panel 4
Long shot of Lupek Douglas and Lasty the Wildcat over Corp’s shoulder. Lupek is dressed like a nineteenth century oil prospector.
CORP: You know what to do. Get out there.
LUPEK: Yes, sir.
Panel 5
This panel runs the width of the page. View from the side of the stage. Long shot of Lupek and Lasty greeting the crowd with a showbiz flourish. Behind them, Middlemen wheel a scale model of a fracking well onto the stage behind them.
LUPEK: Hello everyone!
The crowd is unresponsive.
PAGE 17
Panel 1
This panel runs the width of the page. Long shot of Lupek and Lasty on stage with the fracking well model behind them. Some bored members of the audience can be seen yawning.
LUPEK: (ahem) I’m Lupek Douglas and this is my wildcat, Lasty. I’m so proud to represent the entrepreneurial spirit of oil and gas mining in Western Pennsylvania. Today, I’m here to demonstrate how safe and beneficial hydraulic fracturing is with this scale model.
Panel 2
Interior of the amphitheater’s backstage. Medium shot of Phineus and Ike watching Lupek.
IKE: I don’t mean to tell you your business, Mr. Beam, but shouldn’t you do something before his presentation gets too far along?
PHINEUS: Quite right, Mr. Ferguson.
Panel 3
Medium shot of Phineus as he rolls up his sleeves.
Panel 4
Same as panel 3. Phineus summons and holds a magic spell, relishing something he hasn’t felt in days.
Panel 5
Same as panel 3. Phineus makes a slight gesture toward the stage.
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Panel 6
Close-up of Phineus’s hand as a magical beam takes off like a shot.
PAGE 18
Panel 1
Exterior on the amphitheater stage. Medium shot of Lupek gesturing to the fracking well model.
LUPEK: …and the harmless waste byproduct comes out here into these containers.
Panel 2
Same as panel 1. The fracking waste byproduct sprays all over Lupek, drenching him.
Panel 3
Same as panel 1. Wet with fracking waste byproduct, Lupek’s clothes begin to emit smoke.
LUPEK: What’s that smell?
Panel 4
Same as panel 1. Lupek panics as his clothes begin to smoke much more severely.
LUPEK: What’s going on? That stuff’s just supposed to be water.
PAGE 19
Panel 1
Long shot of Lupek on stage, panicking as his clothes continue to smoke. Two Middlemen run on stage with buckets of water.
Panel 2
Medium shot of Lupek and the two Middlemen, who throw the buckets of water on Lupek.
Panel 3
Same as panel 2. The Middlemen, holding empty buckets, wait to see if the water works. Lupek, wet from fracking waste by product and water waits to see if the water worked.
Panel 4
Same as panel 2. Lupek’s clothes burst into flames. Lupek yells. The Middlemen jump back.
PAGE 20
Panel 1
Long shot of Lupek jumping off the stage. The crowd in front of him scatters.
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Panel 2
Very long shot of Lupek jumping into the river.
Panel 3
Medium to long shot of some audience members, dumbfounded by what they have seen. The stage can be seen in long shot. The two Middlemen look at each other. Lasty the Wildcat takes a nap on the stage.
Panel 4
Same as panel 3. The crowd, thinking this must be a comedy bit, laughs heartily.
PAGE 21
Panel 1
Medium shot of Phineus and Sara watching Lupek run off.
SARA: What did you do?
PHINEUS: Simple. I caused the model to malfunction and made sure the fracking waste was actually fracking waste.
Panel 2
Same as panel 1.
SARA: And what the Middlemen threw on him was what, gasoline?
PHINEUS: No, the water was water.
SARA: Huh.
Panel 3
Medium shot of Phineus, Sara, Joe, and Ike.
JOE: Won’t Corp just try something like this again?
Panel 4
Long shot of Corp leaving the amphitheater. Phineus et al. overhear Corp talking to a Middleman.
CORP: This is a mere setback. The fr—…the fr—…our industry will corner the market on hy—…on… Never mind. Let’s go.
PAGE 22
Panel 1
Long shot of Corp’s limo driving away.
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IKE (off-panel): It might be difficult for him to promote hydraulic fracturing when he has forgotten the words necessary to describe it.
Panel 2
Medium shot of Ike and Joe.
IKE: You’re no longer in any danger, Mr. Magarac.
Panel 3
Medium shot of Joe, Ike, Phineus and Sara.
JOE: You’re all right, Izzy. Thanks. To all of you.
Panel 4
Same as panel 3. Joe begins to walk away.
JOE: Who wants a gyro? I’m buying.
PAGE 23
Panel 1
Exterior of the fountain at Point State Park. Long shot of Phineus, Sara, Ike, Joe, Bunyan, Tony, and Pete all sitting by the fountain eating gyros and watching the sunset. Phineus is sitting next to Ike.
PHINEUS: There’s one thing that bothers me.
IKE: What’s that?
Panel 2
Medium shot of Phineus and Ike.
PHINEUS: You had the ability to erase this case completely from our minds. You erased some things, important things, but not everything, not crucial things.
Panel 3
Same as panel 2.
PHINEUS: Just enough to convince Corp you were still working for him.
PHINEUS: But you left us with enough of our wits to do our job. I think you were helping us all along.
Panel 4
Same as panel 2. Ike looks coyly at Phineus.
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IKE: Why, Mr. Beam, I simply don’t know what you’re talking about.
PAGE 24
Panel 1
Full page. Long shot of Phineus, Ike, Sara, Joe, Bunyan, Tony and Pete sitting at the fountain watching the sunset. Babe the Ox and Lasty the Wildcat play in the fountain.
PHINEUS: I was wrong about you, Ike. You’re not such a bad performer after all.
CAPTION: This is the absolutely true story of how in 2010 the City of Pittsburgh came to ban drilling for natural gas inside city limits.
End
Phineus + Magician for Hire 